All Too Well…, thoughts on breakups with Taylor Swift, …Part 1

Searching for Deeper Connection

“And then she said, love is like a gun, and if you point it my way, you damn well better know how to use it.” -Michael Xavier

“I didn’t know how to use it..” Hudson Chatham

You Remember it all

It was rare, I was there

I Remember it all too well..

We don’t always enjoy telling our stories. We tell them so many times we actually come to believe they’re true. Sometimes we are the victim, sometimes the savior. It’s human nature to have a distorted view of the world. Contemplate this deeply. These stories are true for myself but this could be my coping strategy, to accept my life as it is.

I bet you think about me when you say, “Oh my god she’s (he’s) insane, she (he) wrote a song (story) about me

Did I tell the story the way it really happened? Living our lives is a recollection of short stories. Taylor Swift is famous, no doubt. She writes her stories well and has quite a following. She writes and sings about love gone bad. We see ourselves in her stories, her songs touch us deeply. Is she the victim or the abuser?

You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine and that made me want to die

No matter where we go, where we end or how we get there, we have a story about the trip, the journey and those we met along the way. It’s our reality. With unfaltering conviction we place blame on those who influenced us on our path. Good or bad. We don’t want to take the blame. We don’t want to be judged harshly for our mistakes. We think the mistakes will make us unlovable to those we meet on our road. We construct a narrative to explain how we got there. One that calms the negative energy inside our mind, the anxiety. We haven’t accepted who we are or what we have done. It’s never easy to tell a story about how you were truly loved then made immature mistakes by listening to the negative voices in your head. Ruined love.

Treacherous … and I like it…

Why do we need a story? When asked about what happened, why not say we loved and lost? Why not say it just didn’t work for us? Do we really need to find someone to blame? We keep going back to the one we loved because we know we made mistakes. We want to make it right. We want forgiveness for not being the person we know we want to be. When you saw me getting defensive, inside I was feeling afraid. I felt defensive because I don’t want you to see me as failing you. I understand now, you felt unheard and alone. I wish we could rewind. Go back to that Sunday.

Augusten Burroughs in his book, This is How, describes going to therapy and realizing how therapy works or doesn’t because of focusing on the past. He believes treasuring the past keeps you stuck. You can’t live in the present while dwelling on the past. Therapy should focus on the here and now, letting go of the past. He says loss creates a greater life bringing you in touch with your soul from within, though you will feel the opposite. You can never really heal the past. He says if you lose someone close to you there is an overwhelming feeling or desire to shut down, to stop living. The pain of your loss will remain with you the rest of your life but great joy will be found within you also. There will be days, even when you have found new love, that you will be reminded of the one you lost and will taste the pain, you will reflect on it and know it was a necessity to grow. The path you have been taken down to find your truth. Painful holes within you should not be filled; not with food, not with casual sex, nor with fake love from those who would use you. Be true to yourself and place the love for yourself above all others. Burroughs says, and I agree, the truth about healing is you don’t need to heal to be whole.

I Almost Do…

You may feel like a part of you is missing — and I feel this often — but you are not missing any part of you. Loss is not a subtraction, it is an addition to your life. It is an addition to the you that someone will embrace with open arms, the experience of loss makes us a better partner. You will be loved again, deeper and in the manner which makes you feel safe. You may tell youself the person you lost knew you better than anyone. No one will ever know you better. Our beginning was magical, I will never trust myself to feel this way again. Your eyes look like home. I know this feels so true that you are frozen, you don’t want to move on. I love you now, but there was something I couldn’t give you or you didn’t want from me. Don’t disrespect the love or tell the story with indifference. Take the gift of the love you had and make a better life. The one you lost, if they truly loved you, will want this for you. Tell this story.

Sad Beautiful Tragic

Some have cheated because they were feeling so disconnected from the significant other. His needs, her needs. Really? Another story we tell ourselves. In reality we needed something more than what we have/had. There was a void. We couldn’t or wouldn’t have the difficult conversation. Afraid of consequences but eventually the responsibility of our actions take over our stories. A diversion from the mundane. We need to be desired because we are not happy with ourselves. We are overweight, our hair isn’t right, or we have too much time on our hands to think. Why did you buy me clothes-are you trying to change me? Could it be because I adore you? Why do you buy cute clothes for your grandchildren? The story I would tell about this; be open to being loved differently than the past. Be open. Begin Again.

Can you tell the story about how you were loved? Tell me your story. See it from another’s perspective, maybe the reality is different. You placed the mirror in my face. Now I see myself. I am disappointed but growing because of you.

Better Man

We live in a vacuum. We never achieved the success due to us. Many in my field were making millions, you were only making half a million — you were half a man. You didn’t have a car — what’s wrong with you? Let me tell you a story about living in Manhattan and never needing a car. Something is shady about your finances. You cannot take care of your family or me — a father pretending to be someone successful; he was not. You must be the same, hiding something like the father. Somehow they were to blame by making us vulnerable, not communicating when we needed connection. They hurt us. I am hurt now. Where will I allow this hurt take me? You might text a past friend who is always willing to sleep with you but offers no lasting satisfaction, or love. There are so many stories! Stories we tell ourselves. Filling the void in our hearts. Pushing out the thoughts in our head.

Seeing others fall to illness and tragedy. Too young. Where will I be in 5 years, are my best years ahead of me or behind me? Could you have been the one who pulled away and couldn’t be reached? You grew in a giant leap, he couldn’t keep up. Going in search of a person who makes you feel cherished. We all need to feel cherished. I cherished you: you could feel it in every kiss, even the last one. Conversations in texts and social media, sexual. Could it be the chaos of childhood trauma, unresolved issues causing us to seek attention or validation from outside sources. Taylor Swift no doubt has issues we can’t fathom, or perhaps like me she’s too sensitive to others. These are stories we tell ourselves, none of them completely true. Half truths. Relationship kryptonite.

This is the last time I’ll ever call you babe..

Thanks, Taylor, for finding the words when I was speechless. The words on my lips couldn’t be heard.